Behind the Smile
by lisa-lou89
Summary: My Chemical Romance-  People only ever see what they want to see, they never bother looking any deeper than that. Gerard is struggling and no one seems to notice, not even the band. That is untill an old face from the past shows up...
1. Chapter 1

**Gerard's POV**

Leaning back against the smooth glass of the lift he resisted the urge to bend his knees and let gravity pull him gracefully to the floor. He was exhausted, his tired limbs feeling heavy and numb, but it was not yet midday so any time to sit and rest was going to be a long way off.

As the lift continued its uninterrupted decent he let his gaze wander absent-mindfully over the city surrounding him, it was grey and dreary and he pulled his coat tighter about himself as large drops of rain began to splash against the glass. This city looked much like all the others and he smiled sadly as he realised how easily he had forgotten which city he was in. In fact it took a moment of concentration to even be sure of the country. "_That was when you knew things were getting bad."_ He thought with a sigh.

The doors to the ground floor began to slide open as a series of small beeps from inside his pocket pulled him abruptly away from his thoughts. Stepping out of the lift Gerard pulled his phone out and quickly scanned the message waiting for him.

Frank 11.23am

**Where r u? If we don't **

**leave on time we'll be late! **

He slipped the phone back into his jacket deciding not to waste time replying when he would be back on the bus in five minuets. As he walked swiftly across the hotel lobby he couldn't help but catch sight of himself in the huge mirrors that lined one side of the elaborately decorated room. Black hair in need of a wash fell untidily about his face just as it always had but the face behind the hair was some one he hardly recognised. He was ghostly pale, a stark contrast to the hair and dark hazel eyes. Eyes, which behind layers of heavy black eye liner, looked tired and pained. He frowned, small lines forming between his brows, as he took in how haggard and worn he looked. _"How had people not started to notice?" _He wondered. He forced a smile on to his face, the smile he had been wearing for months like a piece of clothing when ever he was around people. The face in the mirror didn't look so bad now, his fake smile covering what was really going on like a mask. Of course if you looked closely you would see that it wasn't a genuine smile, that it didn't reach his eyes, but it was enough to convince the people he knew that he was fine. People only saw what they wanted to see, they never bothered to look any deeper than that.

Pulling his hood up he let the smile drop from his face before stepping out the door into the cold winter rain. It was only a short walk to where the bus was parked but he was clearly going to get soaked getting there. Shoving his hands deeper into his pockets he set of up the road, the weather matching his mood exactly.

**Sarah's POV**

"Sarah, phone!"

"Just coming" She shouted as she rolled of her bed and made her way up out of the basement.

The living room was empty as she moved across to where the phone had been left upturned on the coffee table.

"I'll be back in a few hours" Her flat mate Louise called as she slammed the front door shut. _"That's cool, I've got the house to myself." _Thought Sarah as she picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi Sarah, it's me. I mean Frank."

"Oh hi Frank! I didn't realise you had this number, thought I was going to have to email it to you." She replied.

"Well I spoke to your brother earlier, and he said you were back in the country. He gave me this number so I thought I'd give it a go." There was a loud bang from his end of the phone followed by a curse, "Hang on, I'll be right back". She heard a small thud as he put the phone down.

Keeping hold of the phone Sarah moved to sit down in one of the big comfy chairs that filled the room. She had known Frank for years, but it had been almost 16 months since she had last spoken to him properly. They had been exchanging emails whilst she had been working out in Spain but that was it. She heard the phone being picked up again and then Franks voice.

"Hey I'm back, sorry about that, knocked my coffee cup over"

She giggled, it was such a typical Frank thing to do.

"I have some important news to tell you" He said, "Didn't want to say over email so I've been waiting till I could actually speak to you" She could almost hear him bouncing up and down with excitement.

"Go on then what is it?"

"Well…I'm getting married!" He shouted.

"Wow Frank that's so cool! Congratulations" She said smiling, she had been expecting this for awhile now. "When did you ask her?"

"A few weeks ago on her birthday" She could hear him grinning.

"I told you that would be the best time to ask!" Letting her own grin take over her face.

"Yea yea, well done you" He laughed, "What I rang to ask you was if you had any free time in the next couple of weeks? We're in New York as of tomorrow and it would be really cool if you were able to come hang out for awhile. Get all the details in person and all that."

Sarah's smile got even bigger. "Yea I'm free most the time." She hadn't got around to getting a job since she'd been back yet.

"Awesome! We'll be at the Bear hotel at about 11.30 tomorrow morning if you're able to meet us there?"

"That's fine. Who's going to be there?" She asked.

"Every one I think." She heard him quickly counting names off under his breath. "I'll be there, Ray, Gerard and Mikey, plus Jamia and Mikey's wife Alicia. You ok with that?"

"Yea that's fine. Shall I meet you in the lobby?"

"Yep, I'll come down and wait for you." Someone began calling Franks name on the other end of the phone. "Ok I'm gonna have to go now, was great to actually speak to you instead of just writing and I will see you to tomorrow morning!"

"Yep" She chuckled. "See you then, bye bye"

"Byeeeeeeee" She heard Frank shout, making her laugh again as she put the phone down.

He had always made her laugh, right from the first day they'd met back in high school, and out of all the old group he was the one she had stayed closest to over the years. There had never been anything more than friendship between the two of them though, Frank and Jamia had been a pair for almost as long as she could remember.

Standing up she made her way back down stairs to her room and hit play on the DVD she had been watching. Sound filled the room as she curled her legs up under her on the bed and reached for a photograph she kept in the front page of an old journal. The photo showed the whole high school gang gathered round a picnic bench in her old back yard. Frank, Jamia and Sarah's brother Ryan were sitting on one side smiling like a group of loons, whilst Mikey, Gerard and her self filled up the other side. The table was laden with BBQ food and Gerard held a wine glass in the air pretending to make a toast, his other arm wrapped lightly around her shoulders.

In the beginning the age gap had never stopped him from joining in with them when he was home from college. There was a five year gap between herself and him with the others all falling somewhere in the middle, and he had always seemed to fit perfectly into there group. She smiled as she remembered how much she had adored him back then, he had been cute and funny, everything her 15 year old mind had wanted in a boy. He hadn't known that of course, she was the baby of the group and had always seemed like the younger sister he didn't have.

It was shortly after the photo was taken that things with Gerard had seemed to change though. He was still a cool guy but he had gradually grown distant from them until he had become just Mikey's older brother, another adult in the Way household, as apposed to one of there group. She had been surprised, when Frank had phoned her all those years ago with news of My Chemical Romance's forming, that Gerard had become involved in the band.

Sarah let out a sigh as she stared at the photo. She had seen Frank, Jamie and Mikey 2 years ago before she'd gone to Spain, and had met Ray, Alicia once before that. The last time she had seen Gerard though had been at 18 when he had come to Mikey's graduation a little over 7 years ago. It was going to be weird seeing him again after so long.

The DVD ended and she uncurled her self, placing the photo back in its place in the book, and got up to turn the TV off. It took her longer than usual to get ready for bed, her mind on her meeting with the guys tomorrow, but eventually she crawled in to bed and turned out the light. She fell asleep quickly and for the first time in nearly 9 years dreamt about a certain man with long black hair.

**Gerard's POV **

Slumped on the sofa in the back room of the bus Gerard tried desperately to pay attention to what Brian was saying. He was already on thin ice for making them late leaving in the morning, although that was hardly his fault. He had been at the interview that Brian had made him do and they'd just kept asking him more questions. He'd still got the blame for it though some how. They were all gathered in the tiny back room so that Brian could explain to them how the schedule was going to run in New York. Gerard schooled his face to make it look like he was interested and tried to ignore the sharp bursts of pain that were forming in his stomach.

"You said we had tomorrow off right?" Voiced a worried Frank.

"Yea you don't start your first photo shoot till the day after" Brian explained.

A huge grin spread over Franks face upon hearing that. Gerard glanced suspiciously at him, _"What was so important about tomorrow?"_ Sure it was always nice to have a day off but the small man seemed genuinely excited about tomorrow in particular for some reason.

"What's so important about tomorrow Frank?" Asked Ray, voicing Gerard's thoughts.

"Nothing much, just meeting up with an old friend" He replied grinning even more.

"Ok guys, well that's everything so I'm going to be off. I'll be there to get everything checked in in the morning." Said Brian as he made his way off there bus.

Gerard glanced at the clock, it was already 11.45.

"Any one wanna play Halo?" Frank suggested as the girls came in to sit with there respective partners.

There was a chorus of yeahs from most of the group.

"I'm gonna head off to bed guys" He said standing up.

No one was really paying much attention, they were to busy trying to set up the game. He moved slowly across the room, trying not to make the cramping in his stomach any worse but failing miserably. Moving the short distance to the bunks room, he shut the door behind him and lent heavily against it keeping hold of the handle in an attempt to keep himself upright. His knuckles turned white as the force of his grip increased, his eyes squeezing shut as he tried not to whimper in pain. It felt like some one was slowly drawing a knife through his abdomen and then, when they had finished, going back to the other side to start again. Or at least this was what he imagined that would feel like.

He forced himself to let go of the door and make his way over to his bunk, collapsing into it and pulling the curtains tightly shut. His shaking hands reached in to the cloth storage pockets on the wall and came out with a small white pill bottle. Cracking the lid he swallowed two large white tablets before replacing the bottle where he'd got it from. The pills were a muscle relaxant, given to him by a doctor in California with a repeat prescription for any where in the country. The searing pain that ripped though his lower body was the muscles inside his abdomen cramping hard one after the other apparently, a condition which could initially be caused by stress and then continued to appear almost randomly. It was not some thing the doctors where able to treat, so they had given him the pills to try and calm the muscles down when they started to cramp and told him that the attacks should gradually stop happening on there own, he just had to wait for that to happen. It was easier said than done.

He striped down for bed, his eyes drawn to his stomach as another wave of pain hit. You could see the muscles tightening and relaxing, making it look like ripples were slowly passing over his body. Once he was down to just his boxers he crawled up to his pillow, flicked the light off and slid his long legs under the covers, moving down until the quilt sat comfortably over his shoulders. He lay on his side, curling himself into a loose ball and wrapping his arms tightly round his stomach, a small groan involuntarily slipping past his lips.

He wasn't sure how long he lay there like that, alone in the darkness waiting for the pills to take effect, but eventually he heard some of the other guys making there way up to the bunk area. They busied them selves getting changed and Gerard heard the creaking of the ladder as some one climbed up to a top bunk.

"Are you coming Frank? I'm cold up here on my own." That was Jamia's voice.

The light was turned out and the ladder creaked again as Frank made his way up to his fiancé. Gerard heard the bed moving and the sound of them kissing. They wouldn't really start getting it on with him right below them would they? He wasn't sure he could stand it if they did.

"Stop it" He heard Frank whisper, "Gerard's in here, you'll make him lonely."

She giggled at that and he heard them shifting around as they cuddled down. There was the sound of more gentle kisses and some whispered I love you's before it all fell quite.

He was grateful to Frank for stopping when they had but as he lay there in the quiet Gerard had never felt more alone his life. The pain in his stomach was slowly lessening but it was very much still there at the moment and he would have given almost anything to have some one curled up with him at that point. He wanted someone he could hold, someone to hold him when he was tired and in pain and to tell him it would be ok. He was the oldest member of the group and yet he was still the only one who was alone, his little brother was married for Gods sake, so there must clearly be something wrong with him. Something that made him every body's best friend but nothing else.

Turning over he shut his eyes and tried to think of other things, desperately ignoring the prickling in his eyes and the large lump that had built up at the back of his throat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Gerard's POV**

"Gerard! Get your lazy butt out here!"

His eyelids fluttered slowly as he began to recognise the voice that was calling him.

"Don't make me come in there." The voice growled in warning.

Yes, he defiantly recognised that voice. Only Bob could make such a simple threat sound so menacing. The dream world he had been enjoying began to slip away from him, moving faster the more he tried to keep hold of it.

A small sigh escaped his lips as his eyes opened to reveal the inside of his bunk, what had become a familiar ache settling its self heavily on his chest. It was like this every morning, the strange feelings of lose for the things that had been his during the night. His dreams always seemed so real, that was the problem, they would convince him that certain things he wished he could forget had never happened in the first place. He would honestly believe that things had turned out exactly as he wished and he was blissfully happy for those few hours he was asleep. Unfortunately that meant that when ever he woke up it was a shock to discover that things weren't that way at all, it hurt to remember everything that was going on, things that hadn't turned out how he wanted them to at all.

Pushing away all thoughts of such things Gerard swung his legs out of the bed being careful not to hit his head on the low ceiling of the bunk as he sat up. He grabbed an old Iron Maiden t-shirt and gently pulled it on, wincing as he stretched his aching stomach muscles. Not bothering with trousers he made his way into the main room where it appeared everyone had already gathered. Frank was taking up one of the sofas, his arms curled around Jamia as she lounging in his lap, Ray and Bob were opposite them on the other sofa and Mikey had the big arm chair with Alicia.

"Look who finally made it." Bob drawled. "We thought we were gonna have to drag you out of bed." It was hard to tell whether he was joking or not.

"Sorry guys" Gerard mumbled, his head still to full of sleep to say much else. He lent back against the wall, waiting for what he assumed would be a discussion about the plan for the day, it was the only reason the guys would have wanted him there this early.

"Ok so now we're all here, what's the plan?" Mikey asked.

"Well my friend is meeting us at the hotel at about 11.30, so you all have to stay around till then" Frank grinned.

"Ok… well shall we make plans for afterwards once Frank has revealed his mystery guest? The driver said that we would be there in about an hour." Said Mikey. There was a murmur of agreement after which the group dissolved back into there individual chattering.

"That's it? I can't believe they made me get up for that. It was barely three lines of conversation…" Gerard thought in mild disgust. He knew from experience that once he was awake there would be no going back to sleep so he pushed him self up off the wall and made his way to the tiny bathroom, grabbing some clean clothes on the way.

It wasn't till he was undressed and standing under the hot water of the shower that he let himself think back over last nights dream. It had been similar to his usual dreams apart from one key difference. Sarah Edwards had been in it. He'd been twenty years old again in the dream, home from Art School for the weekend, and all the old gang had been round including Sarah. After they had left she had decided to stay and hang out with him for a bit longer on her own, and it had been then that he had realised that in the dream they were a couple, some thing that had never happened in real life. They had been kissing and cuddling on his bed, nothing serious, when she had told him she loved him and he had been happier than he ever remembered being. Of course that was when Bob had woken him up so he didn't know what would have happened next, although he was pretty sure he could guess.

After he'd finished washing he stood awhile longer in the shower, letting the warm water flow over his body as it eased some of the tension in his muscles. It was such a stupid dream to be having, he knew that, but it still left him aching inside. He hadn't thought about Sarah in that way for a very long time and he wondered why it had suddenly come up now. Maybe it was simply because he had heard Frank mumbling something about a Sarah to Jamie last night.

With a slight frown on his face he got out of the shower and began to towel himself dry. He didn't want to be thinking about Sarah. It always brought up to many painful memories when he did, memories made all the more painful because he couldn't share them with any one. In fact, the only person he had ever come close to telling them to had actually been Sarah, way back when the memories had first been formed, and although he hadn't actually told her any thing she was irreversibly linked to them.

He let out a small groan of frustration at the thoughts in his head as he finished getting dressed and made his way to the bunk area. He dumped his stuff before moving further on up the bus to find the others, hoping that maybe being around them would distract him from the thoughts he did not want to have in his head.

**Sarah's POV**

_Beep Beep…Beep Beep… Beep Beep…_

She stretched her hand out fumbling around to find the button that would turn the alarm off.

_Beep Beep…Beep Beep…Beep Beep…_

Reluctantly she lifted her head from where it had been buried in the pillows, finding the button easily now she could see. It was 10 o'clock, which meant she had about an hour till she had to leave, just the right amount of time to have some breakfast and get her self ready. She hated getting out of bed though, she could easily lie there for hours curled up in the warm lost in her daydreams, and forcing her self to leave the warm blankets was always one of the hardest parts of her day.

She rolled over on to her back, staring up at the ceiling above her as she slowly blinked the sleepiness from her eyes. She could hear the sounds of Louise moving about up stairs, the gurgling of the kettle and the popping of the toaster as she made breakfast. Unwillingly Sarah forced herself to get out of bed and made her way upstairs to greet her house mate.

"Hey Sarah, you want some toast?" Louise asked as she pulled two slices from the toaster.

"Yes please" She yawned. Making her way over to the sink she found two clean mugs and began making the coffee, pouring milk into Louise's but leaving hers black. They took there breakfast things into living room, curling in the big arm chairs as they had every morning since she had moved back from Spain. It was there routine to eat breakfast together, Louise was a waitress at the moment and didn't have to start work till midday.

"You up to much today?" Louise inquired as she sipped her drink.

"Meeting up with some old friends from back home, they're in town for a few days I think" She hadn't told Louise that she new the MCR boys yet, it wasn't that big a deal to her but people always seemed to want to make it into one.

"That's cool, I love it when friends come to visit. You should have fun showing them around the city."

"Yea" She replied, a touch of uncertainty in her voice that she new Louise would pick up on.

"Aren't you looking forward to it?"

"No, I am. It's just… one of the guys I haven't seen for a really long time, and things were a bit weird the last time I did."

Louise frowned, "Weird in what way?"

"Um… well, every one was back at my house after graduation, and he seemed kinda upset about something." That was an understatement, she had never seen Gerard look that sad before in her life, he'd seemed close to tears. "I found him outside and I think he was gonna tell me what was wrong but I got called away before he could, when I went back to find him he had gone and I haven't seen him since."

"Oh… so you're worried it's going to be really awkward between you today?" Louise guessed.

"Yea, and I don't want that to make it awkward with the rest of them."

"I'm sure it will be fine hun, as you said, it was a long time ago so it's not gonna bother him now is it, he probably doesn't even remember it" Louise said as she gathered up the plates and mugs. Sarah wasn't sure if she agreed with her but she smiled anyway.

"Ok, I'm gonna go get ready, are you all right with this lot?" She gestured at the dirty crockery.

"Yea its fine, you cleared dinner so it's my turn anyway. Hope you have fun if I don't see you before you go" Louise smiled as she left the room.

The next half an hour seemed to fly by as she took a quick shower and concentrated on getting herself ready to go out. After her hair and makeup were done she picking up her bag and slung it over her neck before stopping in front of the mirror for a last minute inspection. Her short brown hair was long enough to straighten at the front so she let it frame either side of face, her fringe sweeping across her forehead from left to right. The back of her hair was much shorter and she wore it spiked up, the ends dyed a dark purple and black.

Her eyes were rimed with black eyeliner and her teeth fiddled with the rainbow coloured bar in her tongue as she tried to decide whether to bother with eye shadow. She had gone to get her tongue pierced with Frank years ago when he had his lip done and it was second nature for her to play with it when she was thinking. Deciding that eye liner was enough she left the mirror and ran upstairs, stopping to put her shoes on before heading out the door.

**Gerard's POV**

They had reached the hotel not long after he had finished showering and Frank had been getting steadily more excited since the moment they had arrived.

"Gee…" Came Franks sing song voice.

"Yes?"

"Will you come down to the lobby with me? I said I'd meet her there but I don't want to wait on my own and Jamie is busy talking with Alicia."

Opening his eyes he pushed him self up from where he had been lying on the sofa and turned to look at Frank.

"Her? This mystery guest of yours is a girl then."

"Yea, yea it is. So will you come with me? Please?" Frank asked, giving him the puppy dog eyes.

"Yea I guess so" He said, sitting up properly, passing one hand slowly across his face. He felt drained again, hence the lying down on the sofa, and he swore it had to have been more than just a few short hours since he first woke up.

Frank was already at the door so he slipped his shoes back on and followed the small hyper man out into the lift.

"Have I met this girl before then Frank?" He enquired.

"Yea you have"

"But you're not going to tell me who it is?"

"Nope. Don't want to ruin the surprise" Frank grinned.

"I hate surprises…" he mumbled under his breath.

When they got to the lobby Frank pulled him over to one side where they would see who came in the huge glass doors. Frank was bouncing on the souls of his feet but Gerard simply lent back against the wall and began watching the other people in the lobby.

"There she is!" Frank exclaimed from beside him.

At that he stopped watching the people at the front desk and turned his head to inspect the girl Frank was pointing at. She was slim with short hair and looked just a little bit taller than Frank. She was dressed in skinny black jeans and a hoody but he couldn't make out her face at this distance. Frank ran out to meet her as she got closer, greeting her with a hug, temporarily blocking his view of her.

He pushed himself off the wall as Frank ran back to him dragging the girl behind him.

"Gerard, you remember Sarah right?" Frank said as he stepped aside to reveal the person behind him.

"Yea… Yea I remember." He replied weakly, his eyes feeling like they were going to bulge out of his head.

There, standing before him, was Sarah Edwards. The very same Sarah Edwards he had been trying not to think about for so many years…


	3. Chapter 3

**Sarah's POV**

"Hi Gerard" Her voice come out quieter than she had expected. Looking up at him she saw that his eyes were large with shock and she had to resist the urge to wriggle with nerves as he stared her. "Long time no see"

"Yea…" Was Gerard's only response.

"I'm guessing Frank didn't tell you I was coming today? You look kinda surprised to see me"

She saw him glance accusingly at Frank.

"Yea, your right, he didn't. He said he didn't want to ruin the surprise for me" A touch of sarcasm coming into his voice towards the end of the sentence.

"What? If you could have seen your face you would have seen how great surprising people is. It was priceless!" Said Frank, a huge grin spreading across his face. "You haven't seen her for years so I knew you'd be super surprised that she was here, and you always pull the funniest faces when you're not expecting some thing so there was no way I could ruin that for myself by telling you." He explained to Gerard.

"Glad I'm still entertaining" Gerard answered with a sigh that made her take a closer look at him.

Now that a bit of the surprise of seeing her had left his face he looked more like the Gerard she remembered, although not completely. He looked older than he had done when she had last seen him, which she had known he would, but there was some thing else about him that didn't look quite as she had expected. It wasn't an obvious thing and she had to study him for a few moments before the answer came to her. It wasn't that he had changed anything big in his physical appearance as she had first been thinking, it was lots of little things. The slightly down turned corners of the mouth, the pale almost grey colour of his skin, even the way he was standing, not tall and straight but slightly hunched, shoulders hanging low as if his arms were to heavy to hold up properly.

"He looks really worn out" She thought, "More than he normally does on the TV or in pictures of the gigs." He looked happy in those, always smiling and looking content and it shocked her that he seemed so different now that he was standing in front of her. He didn't look happy at all right now, and she could have sworn she saw him wince slightly as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his body seeming to hunch in on its self that little bit more.

She glanced at Frank then, waiting to see what his reaction to his friends' discomfort would be, but was taken aback when he didn't seem to have noticed it at all. He was still talking happily to Gerard and there was nothing in his demeanour that showed he thought there was anything wrong.

"You ok Sarah? What you frowning at?" Said Gerard, turning to her with a small smile.

"Err… nothing sorry. Was staring into space" She replied.

Maybe there really wasn't anything wrong. Frank didn't seem to have seen anything and it was hard to think that there was anything wrong with Gerard now that he was smiling again, maybe she had imagined it all. If there was something wrong with Gerard then the people who saw him every day, Frank and the other guys, would have noticed it. "You haven't seen him for years, you're hardly going to notice things the people who know him really well don't." She told her self.

"Shall we go back up to the others?" Frank asked.

"I'll be up in a while, have a few things I need to do" Gerard said flashing them a smile, before turning away and heading towards the hotel exit, hands stuffed firmly in his pockets.

**Gerard's POV**

It took every effort he had to keep his walk at a normal pace as he made his way towards the ornate doors and the waiting street outside. He wanted to run, to let go of any pretence of normality and flee as fast as his legs would carry him. His chest burned with so many different emotions that he was beginning to feel suffocated and with each step he took the dull pain in his stomach became sharper. He squeezed his hands into tighter fists within his pockets, biting hard on the inside of his lip as he forced himself to act like nothing was bothering him. If he ran now they would notice, they would see his frantic steps and want to know what was wrong, and that was something he couldn't allow to happen. It would bring up to many questions that he wasn't ready to share the answers for, and others that he was simply unable to give a response to because he did not know the answers himself.

It felt like an eternity before he finally passed through the doors and entered the crisp morning air. His breath hovered before him like smoke and goose pimples spread up his bare arms as he hurried down the front steps and across the street before ducking into a large coffee shop. It was reasonably busy inside and Gerard was forced to lift his head to search for a sign that would lead him to the toilets, the only place he knew he could be alone with out freezing in just his t-shirt. Spotting a gents sign in the right hand corner of the shop he made his way over to it before entering and locking himself in a cubical.

His legs didn't seem to want to hold him up any more and his body slid down the door till he was sitting on the ground, legs bent with his feet resting lightly against the base of the toilet. Now that he was alone the shaking in his hands spread slowly through out his entire body until he was trembling uncontrollably as emotion after emotion ripped through him. Pain, fear, and longing fought for domination in side him as he quietly gasped for breath, head bent low, hands tangled tightly in his hair. He thought his head was going to explode with the pressure of it soon and he felt hot tears fill his eyes, turning his vision blurry as he stared at his knees.

He stayed that way for the next five minuets, moisture clinging to his eyelashes but no tears falling down his cheeks. Crying was something he didn't do any more, something his body wouldn't allow, couldn't allow. It had learnt that when he cried it only ever made the situation worse, made him face more pain because of the tears, so eventually the tears had stopped altogether and never fallen since.

The sound of the shop grew louder as someone entered the room behind him, the change in noise reminding him where he was and how long he had been there. He was calm enough to think properly now and he felt oddly detached, as if the war inside him continued but had been pushed far beneath the surface where it no longer had full control of him. Wiping a hand across his face he pushed him self up from the floor before heading back out into the shop, flushing the toilet and washing his hands along the way as part of the act to fool the other people there.

Once he was there he brought a large black coffee and found a small booth in the corner out of the way where he could sit and think. In a shop this large it was easy enough not to be noticed and he sank into the dark brown leather of the bench, pulling his legs up till his feet perched on the rim of the seat, his knees resting just above the edge of the table. He wrapped his cold hands around the steaming mug of coffee, staring into space.

He hadn't thought that seeing Sarah again would produce such a reaction in him, but then he hadn't ever really thought about seeing Sarah again. He was surprised at the deep longing he still had to have her know everything, know everything some how with out him having to tell her because he wasn't sure if he was strong enough to do that. They had been close when they were younger, had talked through many things together, always offering the support and advise the other needed. He had been there after her Dad had died, and she had helped him with countless trivial problems which were the only things he had to worry about at the time.

Things had changed when he was 20 though, the building blocks of his life had seemed to fall away from him in a few short months and every week had become a terrifying roller coaster ride that he had desperately wanted to get off. It was in this time that he would have come running to Sarah, needing her comfort more than he ever had in his life, but he been told not to get her involved. Been warned that sharing anything with her would only make everything harder, would hurt her and make her life more difficult which was some thing he had never wanted to do. So he had kept everything to him self as he had been told, learning to be the perfect actor when he was around people, to keep everything real locked tightly inside him. It was surprisingly easy around most people, he had no desire for them to ever find out the truth, but it was too hard to keep up around Sarah. To spend time with her and not be able to tell her was torture, so he had slowly removed himself from that group of friends, no longer hanging out with them when he was back home, as if he had simply moved on in his life.

Even being around that much had proved too much in the end though and he had left town completely, not having seen Sarah since. The night he had left had been Mikey's graduation and he had nearly given in and told her every thing, would have done if some thing hadn't come up and given him the chance to run away before he said anything.

He let his eyes drift closed as he rested his head on the wall behind him, trying to work out what his next move should be now that she was back in his life. A huge part of him wanted to run away again but he knew he wouldn't do it, couldn't just abandon the band and every one around him now. Anyway she was probably only going to be around for a few days he reasoned, he could tough it out till then. Seven years was a long time, she wouldn't be the same person he had known back then and when he realised that it would be just like he was meeting a new person for the first time. He could hang out with her and the guys like he could if it was any other of Frank's friends visiting, he thought as he tried to convince himself. He didn't have to let it be a big thing that it was her.

With that decided he finished the last of his coffee, through the paper cup in the bin and headed back out towards the hotel, hands shaking only slightly.


	4. Chapter 4

Gerard's POV

_I was bored. I didn't know what city I was in but I'd decided it was built for adults not eight year olds, there was nothing of interest here for me, no toy shops, no comic books, nothing. Mom had dragged me round shop after shop with her and her friend Tracy before finally announcing that it was time to go. They had a lot of shopping bags so it was decided that we would be taking a taxi back, of which I was a little bummed about, I quite liked ridding the busses._

I kicked at a stone near my foot, trying to find something to amuse my self with that wouldn't get me in trouble, and heard a dull clank from my left. The stone had hit what looked like some old metal railing, the kind you some times found at the side of a road to keep kids on the pavement. I smiled, they looked like fun. Giving my mom a quick glance to see if she would mind, she was busy talking so I took that as a no, I ran over to my new found toy. I thought it was kind of like a climbing frame and if I put my feet in between the railings, just like that, I was sure I could push my self up to lean over the top of it. Ah yes, I could.

I was hanging over the top of the railing enjoying the feeling of the blood running to my head when the taxi eventually turned up. Bum, that meant I was going to have get down. I pulled my self up right and let my feet slide down between the bars until I was back on the ground. I saw Tracy putting the bags in the trunk while Mom strapped Mikey in the back and I was surprised she hadn't shouted me over yet. Taking my right foot out from the railings I went to take a step back and felt a pull on my other leg. I reached down figuring my pants had got caught on some thing, but found instead that it was my foot that was stuck between the bars. I pulled on my leg a bit harder this time but it still wouldn't budge, my foot staying firmly wedged in place as I pulled at it. Ok, this wasn't so fun any more.

"Mom… mom my foot's stuck" I called. I expected her to come over and help me but instead she started loading up the rest of the bags. She must not have heard me.

"Mom" I shouted louder this time "I can't get my foot out" Still she showed no sign of hearing me, the last bag was lifted in to the trunk, the lid closed with a heavy thunk. She had to realise I wasn't in the car now right? They wouldn't leave me here… they would notice I wasn't strapped in there with Mikey… she would turn around and see me here any second now… right?! I felt panic grow inside me as I saw Tracy get in the front of the car, Mom checking Mikey again then making her way round to the opposite door.

"Mom!" I screamed, pulling at my leg more franticly than before. "Mom, I'm over here!" No response. I felt tears of frustration and terror fill my eyes, why couldn't she hear me? Why hadn't they noticed I wasn't with them yet?! I had no idea where I was, if they left then to every one else I would just be an unknown kid trapped all alone in an unknown city. Trapped…alone…

I began yanking at my leg with all my strength, those two words going round and round my head, throwing my self backwards in an attempt to pull free ignoring the pain flaring in my ankle.

"MOM!" My throat felt like it was ripping with the force of my scream but I didn't care. "MOM, MOM, MOM… MOM!" I watched in horror as she slid one leg into the car showing no sign of hearing my desperate calls.

"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE…" I was sobbing and screaming, my vision swimming with the tears that poured down my face, "MOM DON'T GO…I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE! MOM!"

Slowly she turned her head towards me. I cried with relief, it was going to be ok, she had heard me and was going to come get me free. I reached out to her, wanting her there to take away the pain and terror I felt, needing to see her come running.

But… she didn't, she didn't come. My out stretched arms fell to my sides as my heart dropped to the floor. Still sitting half in the taxi she looked me in the eye and gave me a small smile, then pulled her other leg inside and slamming the door shut. I felt the breath leave me as if I'd been punched in the gut as I watched the car pull away, getting smaller and smaller until I could no longer see it.

I was alone, trapped and alone. That very thought that had terrified me so much earlier held no real meaning any more though. My mind was filled with a thought much worse. A thought that made me shake, falling to the ground as my legs gave way underneath me, forgotten tears flowing down my cheeks as I sobbed.

Mom had seen me, had looked me in the eye and known I wasn't with her, and had still left. She had wanted to leave with out me… 

Eyes flying open Gerard drew in a sharp breath as he kicked at the sheets that had become knotted around his legs. The terror of the dream still filled him as he fought to free him self, shaking hands franticly pulling at the sweat dampened bed cloths. A whimper of relief rose to his lips as he finally pulled his legs free, falling back against his pillows his breathing haggard.

He was covered in a thin sheen of sweat and the cool air that filled the hotel room made him shiver. Closing his eyes he concentrated on slowing his breathing down, willing his heart to stop beating so fast and come back to its normal rate.

It was just a dream, just a fucked up dream, he told him self. It wasn't the first time he had dreamt it and he know it probably wouldn't be the last time. When ever he spent too much time thinking about the past his subconscious mind would throw that dream at him. He had read some where that dreams were meant to be your mind trying to work through issues when you are asleep, that they were helpful, but if that was the case then he new his mind must have got stuck on one particular issue in his life that it couldn't get round. The result being the same dream coming up again and again, leaving him shaking and terrified every time.

Taking a deep breath he slowly sat up sliding his legs of the bed until he was sitting on the edge. Running his fingers through his messy hair, he allowed his head to rest in his hands for a few moments. He felt exhausted again now that the last of the adrenaline was leaving his body and his muscles ached from having been clenched so hard during the night. He had a feeling this was not going to be an easy day.

He had noticed Sarah watching him closely yesterday, as if she was determined to make her being here as hard for him as possible. Not that she could have known how difficult her presence made life of course, but it was even harder to keep up the pretence around her that every thing was fine when he was being watched so closely.

With a sigh he slowly got to his feet, grabbed clothes and make up, and made his way to the bath room to shower and attempt to make him self look more alive before facing the rest of the guys for breakfast.

-

Sorry that was a bit short guys, but short post is better than no post right? I think some of you have heard me mention that nightmare before but it seemed to fit in with where I want this to go. Hope that was an ok chapter.

Lisa xo


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